To pass the time for the nearly three hour drive across the border, I’ve decided to keep a running diary of our journey to the big T.O. A few things to consider before I start:
1. Chris and I have been Beach Boys disciples basically since we could first register music in our ears. Sure, being fans of a band responsible for songs like “Kokomo” may have not been the most popular choice in this age of rap/hip-hop, instant microwaveable rock, and whatever the heck this is. And yes, perhaps our parents did think we were weird for driving almost 200 miles and across two countries to see a guy that to any rational person may seem a bit insane. But truth be told, to finally get to see the mastermind of the Beach Boys — on what could be his final tour, no less — is a dream come true for Chris and myself. Also, this means that we were able to catch Sir Paul McCartney and Brian Wilson on their supposed final tours in back-to-back years. We’ve had a good run.
2. The fact that one of America’s most iconic songwriters chose to begin what is rumored to be his final tour with nine dates in Canada is...interesting, to say the least.
3. Toronto has long been my favorite city in the world, so much so that I’ve fantasized about living the rest of my adult life there after graduating college. As it just so happens, however, I’ve never actually been to the great city of Toronto. So let’s hope it lives up to my already unrealistic expectations.
Without further adieu, our trip to Toronto:
9:05 a.m.: Our departure time was scheduled for nine o’ clock. With no word from Chris, I give him a call to see where he’s at. He says he’ll be about a half-hour late because his mom hasn’t finished making his lunch for him yet. Keep in mind that Chris is 2o years old. Wow.
9:35 a.m.: With two passports and a fried chicken sandwich carefully prepared by Chris’ mom in tow, we are off and running!
9:40-9:45 a.m.: I fumble around with Chris’ inept Garmin GPS system trying to coax it to do the one thing it was built to do — give directions. According to the Garmin, Canada has been wiped off the map and the bustling state of Wyoming has been put in its vacant spot.
(By the way, this is the same GPS that once took us through the Attica prison complex on the way to Darien Lake one time. Needless to say, I feel very safe in its hands.)
9:50 a.m.: Chris says my note-taking for this diary is making him nervous. He says this to me while we sit in an abandoned Arby’s parking lot, trying in vain to figure out a geographically-confused GPS system. Yeah, he’s the nervous one.
(Today’s GPS guide is Lee, a man with a Madonna-level-of-fake Australian accent who sounds like the kind of creepy guy who’s your waiter EVERY time you go to Outback Steakhouse. I hate that guy.)
10:00 a.m.: After 1 ⅓ gruesome innings, we call down to the bullpen and visit the mound to pull the Garmin. Head hung, Garmin walks slowly off the field and back to the clubhouse showers. Big bucks, but massively disappointing. Garmin is the John Lackey of navigation systems.
Meanwhile, Deep Purple’s “Space Truckin” blares over the PA as the GPS on Chris’ new fancy-pants smart phone warms up on the mound. The old standby Rand McNally atlas is apparently not in the building today.
10:06 a.m.: The GPS on the smart phone is not loading. Lots of hype, but it never really arrived. The Android GPS is the Daisuke Matzusaka of navigation systems.
10:10 a.m.: A perfect opportunity to get directions from the Thruway toll booth attendant is blown when Chris’ pride gets in the way. Shame. She was so pleasant, I wouldn’t have been the least bit surprised if she offered us a fresh batch of peanut brittle.
10:12 a.m.: As Chris dual-wields the Garmin and his smart phone at the same time, he says to me, “You’re watching the road, right? Just tell me if you see any deer.” This prompts me to close my eyes and go to my happy place.
10:16 a.m.: Googling for GPS apps, I stumble upon a snazzy one called “Waze.” According to its description, Waze is a Twitter for maps that builds it locations based on users’ Tweets and Facebook statuses. This may be the nerdiest form of procrastination yielded so far from the veritable cornucopia of social media.
(Waze can also be accessed as a video game that gives you points for driving over imaginary obstacles on your GPS map. Good thing Americans are definitely not distracted behind the wheel these days.)
10:25 a.m.: Still geographically befuddled, we add curse words to our car ride vernacular.
10:32 a.m.: Mapquest may be our savior. In other news, a clearly agitated Chris has threatened to throw all of my writing utensils out the car window. He’s not totally sold on this diary idea.
10:38 a.m.: Before he left the house this morning, Chris decided that the most effective car charger for his phone was something that resembles a black box. We’re also hearing rumors about this thing called the Internet, but we’re not sold on it yet.
10:46 a.m.: Our old math teacher Mr. Young would be so proud of us! We googled the GPS coordinates for Massey Hall and finally awoke Lee from his long slumber. Call us geocachers, if you will.
10:50 a.m.: Now that we know where the heck we are, we put on Brian Wilson’s 2004 version of Smile and try to relax.
Now, the legends, myths, and failures of the Smile project have basically been beaten to death at this point (by writers including myself. Ugh.). So too has Wilson’s depression, nervous breakdown, drug use, and weight gains that spiraled out of control following that project’s failure.
It is unfortunate that Wilson is now known as much for his infamous reclusiveness in the 1970’s and 80’s as much as the beautiful music he wrote when he was at the peak of his powers in the mid-1960’s. Luckily, however, things have seemed to turn around for him in the past decade. He got over his stage fright by finally performing again and exhausted a lot of demons by finally releasing (a somewhat refurbished) Smile in 2004.
What’s more, it almost seems that somehow it’s sort of cool to listen to the Beach Boys now, thanks to the hipster community and Wilson’s ever-growing influence on independent music bands.
But even with all that Wilson has going for him now, he’s still the biggest wildcard that I may ever see at a concert. That’s because there’s still that element that you never quite know when he may have a terrible flashback to his troubled past and simply walk off the stage, never to be seen again. All it would take is one bad daydream or a fan bringing up the wrong memory to convince him that he should have never come back out into the limelight. This is why I couldn’t be certain I was going to see him in concert until I actually saw him walk out on the stage. You just never know with Brian.
10:57 a.m.: Just passed a giant rock quarry near Lockport, otherwise known as “The Grand Canyon of Erie County.” Yes, listening to Smile does make me throw out irrational hyperboles from time to time.
11:01 a.m.: Paid $2.75 just for the right to drive our car past a toll both window. Ouch.
11:10 a.m.: We drive by Buffalo’s infamous “Golf Dome.” Only in Western New York’s horrible weather would one feel the need to build a giant inflatable dome to house an old man’s sport.
11:15 a.m.: Big blue bridge!
11:22 a.m.: Another big blue bridge!
11:26 a.m.: Being near Niagara Falls prompts a discussion about people who go over the falls in those tiny barrels, which eventually leads to discussion on paralysis and then suicide scenarios. I won’t go into any more details, but let it be known that this wasn’t our proudest moment.
11:28 a.m.: It can’t be a coincidence that “Mrs. O’Leary’s Cow” (a song that disturbed Brian Wilson so deeply that it’s thought to be one of the reasons he shelved the Smile project) is playing on the car stereo while we discuss said death scenarios. I’m a little freaked out.
11:30 a.m.: Customs! We’ll now take a short ten-minute break.
11:41 a.m.: While we wait at the border, Chris and I debate the most suspicious songs that we could blast on the stereo when pulling up to meet the customs officer. His choice: “Kim” by Eminem (careful: language!). My choice: “Puff the Magic Dragon” by Peter, Paul and Mary with the windows clouded up (or any Dave Matthews Band song, for that matter.)
11:42 a.m.: Forgot to take off my shades. Got yelled at by the customs officer. I blew it.
11:46 a.m.: Ladies and gentlemen, the metric system! Our chances of getting a speeding ticket increase by...hold on...I have to figure out the conversions first.
11:47 a.m.: Apparently going over the speed limit in Canada leads to something called “vehicle seizure.” Great.
11:54 a.m.: To paraphase Chris’ phone and its explanation that it is now roaming (in Snooki’s voice): “I’m in Ontario...betch!”
11:59 a.m.: Chris and I debate the merits of Summer Days (And Summer Nights!) vs. Today!. My take: I say there’s too much Mike Love on Summer Days, while Today! remains a great snapshot of Brian’s transition from writing goofy surf songs to crafting serious pop standards on albums like Pet Sounds and Sunflower. Put it this way, Summer Days has songs like “Amusement Parks U.S.A.” while Today! has songs like “I’m So Young.” ‘Nuff said.
12:07 p.m.: In my opinion, “Help Me, Ronda” without an ‘H’ is better than “Help Me, Rhonda” with an ‘H’. Less is more.
12:11 p.m.: Now approaching Hamilton, home of the Ti-Cats! Me-ow.
12:20 p.m.: The unintentional (or is it intentional?) comedy of http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TJQ561LzGX4 is off the charts. No wonder people think I’m weird for liking Brian Wilson.
12:23 p.m.: The city of Burlington looks a lot like Canada’s version of South Beach. Unfortunately, we will not be taking our talents there today.
12:27 p.m.: With time for one more Beach Boys album before we hit Toronto’s city limits, I put on Today! We’re rolling now.
(FYI: Today! has a side one that could go head-to-head with any other Beach Boys record.)
12:32 p.m.: No offense, Canada, but you look a lot like Upstate New York — just with a few maple leaves mixed in.
12:35 p.m.: Feeling adventurous, we decide to try out the carpool lane for the very first time. No traffic, sunnier skies, and shockingly cleaner air to breathe. I think I even spotted a carpool lane-exclusive bidet. We’re never going back.
Chris: “I feel like I could just stay in this lane and live here forever. Is that weird?”
Me: “Not at all!”
12:38 p.m.: Right when were getting cozy, the carpool lane ends. Just our luck.
12:43 p.m.: “I’m So Young” is playing. Excuse me for a few minutes as a I secretly shed a tear behind by shades.
12:45 p.m.: Lee the GPS guide has not been heard from for over an hour, which prompts Chris to tell me, “I really have no confidence that we will drive through Toronto and make it out alive.” All right then.
12:52 p.m.: We enter Toronto!...And miss an exit. Oh boy.
1:00 p.m.: Why aren’t lawn advertisements a bigger thing in America?
1:08 p.m.: The hotels on the outskirts of Toronto are ridiculously immaculate. By the way, Chris just informed me that our fate lies completely in the hands of Lee the GPS voice. I think I’ll just close my eyes until we get to the parking lot.
1:12 p.m.: Chris shuts off the GPS in frustration, then realizes that it’s our only remaining lifeline in the city and quickly scrambles to turn it back on. He apologizes profusely to Lee.
1:13-1:52 p.m.: Tense, frantic driving around the city. Highlights included cutting across three lanes of traffic to turn into a gas station to ask for directions, as well as the mind-blowing size of the Skydome when seen in person. That colossus impressed me even more than its neighbor the CN Tower.
1:53 p.m.: After a long summer’s nap, Lee the GPS guide awakens with a vengeance and leads us to the Promised Land (also known as the parking lot at St. Michael’s hospital)! It’s like the Miami Heat mounting a fourth-quarter comeback behind Dwayne Wade only to have Lebron James come out of nowhere and hit the game-winning shot!
Yeah, it was that improbable.
2:05 p.m.: Lunch at the St. Michael’s park — the first park I’ve been to where old men actually play chess.
This diary is already way too long, so I’ll sum up the details on the rest of our day. We walked around aimlessly for pretty much the rest of the day searching for record shops and Canadian novelties. The highlight for me was Canada’s Walk of Fame, which included legends like Burton Cummings, Captain Kirk, Mr. Know-It-All (Alex trebek), and of course, the best Canadian band ever, Rush. I looked in vain for Gordon Lightfoot, but apparently the Edmund Fitzgerald was nowhere to be found.
Brian’s show exceeded all our expectations. Paul McCartney called Brian’s band “the best touring band in the world”, and he wasn’t necessarily wrong. Their harmonies were tight — coming as close as can be to the 60’s Beach Boys — and Brian can definitely still carry a tune. He sounded even more confident when he belted out George Gershwin’s songs than when he sang his own songs, ironically.
Brian did in fact randomly walk off the stage, confirming my worst fears, but as it turns out it was only for the intermission. While we were slightly taken aback at the thought of halftime, it did set up for an entertaining scenario at the Massey Hall bar.
Chris and I had talked about taking advantage of Canada’s lowered drinking age while we were in town, but when the moment came we of course turned it into a big game of chicken. We had no idea what to order once we actually got up to the bartender, and so to avoid looking like damn fools we almost pulled out.
Once we finally manned up and ordered the brews, it was of course time for the second half of the show to start. So Chris and I forced were forced to put on lids and sip our beers threw a straw like a kid with his first soda at McDonalds. It was certainly one of the more sobering and embarrassing moments I’ve had in recent memory. But at least the beer was pretty good.
Just as we had hoped, Brian had his full repertoire of awkward hand motions working, along with a bunch of great one-liners, including:
“I’ve written about 550 songs in my career, but right now we’re going to play the first one I ever wrote!”
“Do you want us to stay and keep playing?” - This was no more than fifteen minutes into the show.
“Jeffery, could you sing a song for me? Could you sing ‘Wouldn’t It Be Nice’?” - Can you imagine if Brian Wilson just casually asked you to sing that song for him?
There was also a moment in the show when Brian sang “Row, Row, Row Your Boat” and had the audience sing along. This was obviously awkward for everyone involved — including Brian’s band, who looked like even they were caught off guard. Then, suddenly, Brian cut everybody off and said, “Great job, everybody!” and moved on to the next song without thinking twice. It was so distinctly Brian Wilson that all we could do in the audience was laugh it of and enjoy the moment. So what if we had to endure a little weirdness to enjoy some great tunes?
When Chris and I return to Massey Hall to see Fleet Foxes next month, we’ll hopefully no longer be hosers but instead Toronto regulars. I’m certain that there won’t be nearly as much anxiety going into that trip about how to get there or about the mental state of the performer (Robin Pecknold seems to have his head squarely situated on his shoulders) as there was for this one.
Our next trip may be more carefree, but it probably won’t match the wonder and spontaneity that is Mr. Brian Wilson.